Finding Your Inner Peace through Personal Acceptance
Almost a year ago, I made it a point to do better at being honest with myself even if it made me uncomfortable. A part of me being honest with myself was realizing that regardless of how my life looked online or on paper, I was terribly unhappy. I used to believe the recipe for my inner peace could be found by check-marking myself into a healthy life. Husband –check. Fit body –check. Good income –check. MFA –check. When I finally checked the all boxes on my “How to Look Like the Most Well Put Together Almost 30-Year-Old”—list, it became painfully clear to me that I. Was. Fucking. Miserable. I realized that not a single accomplishment mattered if on the inside I was not comfortable with myself.
My fervent desire for healthy and put together optics is rooted in surviving a childhood of trauma with a pretty good head on my shoulders. My main goal after graduating high school was simply, not to fuck up. I thought inner peace could be found by staying within the lines and never straying too far from “respectable”. I grew comfortable in being an idea as opposed to just being myself. I had interests without having explored too far outside of what I thought success looked like. I went to college, got good grades, played sports, kept my body count low and birth control consistent. I had it all “together” because I damn well tried. In my mind, there was not much wiggle room (if any). I thought that I would either be my version of perfect, or an addict with four different children by three different men at 30 like my biological mother. I forced myself into this box where marriage and a master’s degree went with the natural flow of what I deemed healthy. I sped my life forward with declarations, positive affirmations and goals of a great adulthood, without ever slowing down or pausing enough to consider my inner peace a priority. I thought that my personal turmoil was rooted in my past, never considering that the angst I felt in my present life was a direct result of my own denial.
I don’t know when people learn personal acceptance, but I feel as if the present moment is a good place to start. Here are things I’m learning about finding inner peace as I figure out this whole personal acceptance bit:
It’s Okay to Mess Up
I realized that by trying to do everything right all the time in order to avoid messing up, is actually where I was wrong. Most of my actions were fear-based and because I was afraid, I only allowed myself to go so far. The only way to live your life is to actually live it. Make choices based on where your heart is, never mind naysayers or the unknowing of the outcome. Allow yourself the wiggle room to fail. Actually, do better than make wiggle room –make space for it. Be clumsy. Become comfortable in the idea of failing. Failing is inevitable, being a failure is not.
Try New Things and Keep Trying
I lived in Los Angeles for two years and did not drive on the freeway. I only knew one way to get to where I was going at any given time, and they were all side streets. I found myself being stuck in traffic longer than necessary because I refused to take a route that included the freeway. I didn’t get my license until I was 21 and had mastered my driving on small country backroads in Ohio. Being on fast, 6-lane, LA freeways was beyond out of my comfort zone and I refused to do it. Driving on the freeway such a big deal for me that the first day I took the freeway at work, the four-year-old child I nannied exclaimed, “Yay! Carmalita is driving on the FLEE-WAY!” I quickly learned that the route I feared ended up being faster and sometimes safer than the side streets I was comfortable on. In life, when we try new thing and keep trying at them, we learn ourselves. By learning who we are and how we operate in situations that make us uncomfortable, we are building confidence. By building confidence regularly in small ways, we are practicing personal acceptance.
Learn to Enjoy Being Alone
I wish someone told me how invaluable being alone and spending time with myself is. I can honestly say that for me, the worst part about being single is carrying groceries in from my car. The solo part hasn’t been an issue for me and I find that surprising. I thought I would hate it. Like, what am I going to do with myself when I’m there, by myself? I’ve spent my entire life with people. I was the youngest in a house of six, I’ve always had roommates and post-divorce I was only roommate-free for three months. Yes, there are nights when it would be nice to snuggle up next to someone and tell them every insignificant detail of my lunch. But, I’m okay with enjoying sharing a space with no one but myself too. I appreciate taking myself on dates or staying home not having to expel my energy. I am learning more about who I am and how I navigate the world without having to answer to anyone else. Making decisions solely based on my needs is freeing. It allows me the room to be completely confident in my decisions without having to worry if the outcome will affect another person.
It takes emotional wherewithal to find inner peace through personal acceptance. Accepting oneself is being comfortable in your own humanness and that’s hard. The journey of inner peace includes realizing that it is okay if you mess up, and it’s okay to admit that you’re doing the best you can. None of us know what we’re doing. Keep trying.