Love And Discipline: A Simple Guide To Good Parenting

Once a parent, always a parent. In other words, even when the kids grow up and leave the nest, your job as their parent never quite feels over. Or, maybe more accurately put, you never quite feel ready to relinquish it. But whether your child is four or twenty-four, newly born or newlywed, there are some easy-to-remember rules of thumb for every age and every stage:

• Stage 1 Rule of Thumb: All They Need is Love
  Bringing an infant home from the hospital is a beautiful but terrifying experience. Suddenly you see an infinite number of mistakes you could make, each one potentially causing irreparable damage. But rest assured: at this stage, all your baby needs is love. They don’t need you to be perfect, they just need your love.
• Stage 2 Rule of Thumb: Fear + Love = Respect
  As they grow up, love continues to be the most important thing they need. But suddenly they start to walk and talk and test boundaries, trying to see what they can get away with. Because they know how unconditionally you love them, they will know that your biggest desire is to see them happy. Understand that this gives them power over you. Taking that power back requires standing your ground. When you say “no,” for example, you need to stick to it, otherwise, they’ll learn how to make you cave and from then on “no” will mean “no, until I cry loud enough.” This is how they develop a long-term habit of taking advantage of your love! If instead, you enforce rules and immutable consequences when they’re broken, they will learn to listen to you and respect your word. Your child loves you to death, but they still want to find out if they can be the boss of you. Don’t let them.
• Stage 3 Rule of Thumb: Don’t Project (a.k.a check yourself before you wreck yourself)
  For the first ten or so years of your child’s life, you tend to have them on a pedestal in your mind. Even when they break rules, they’re perfect in your eyes. But every now and then they’ll do something that really rubs you the wrong way, something you can’t tolerate. For example, maybe they kicked their brother and called him fat, or got sent to the principal’s office for stealing a classmate’s lunch money. Before you lose your cool, remember the things they do that upset you the most deeply are the things you don’t like about yourself. So, before you flip out on them, take a step back and find a compassionate way to approach the situation.
• Stage 4 Rule of Thumb: Freedom is Something You Earn
  For those first ten to twelve years, you are the center of your child’s world. Then they become teenagers and suddenly no matter what you do, you’re either embarrassing or oppressive in their minds. In the real world, being a responsible citizen is rewarded with freedom and respect from the community, so it’s wise to create a home environment that mimics the real-world model. In other words, let them know that making responsible choices will result in gaining your trust, at which point you’ll allow them more and more freedom. When they understand that freedom is something they need to earn, they’ll be sure to earn it by respecting your rules and committing to honesty.
• Stage 5 Rule of Thumb: If They’re Happy, You’re Happy
  When your child turns eighteen and is legally allowed to make their own decisions and even live out in the world on their own, you’ll probably want to try to guide them into the type of life you want them to have. You think you know what’s best for them, and you’re sure that if only they’d take your advice you’d be able to sleep easier at night. You think of all the ‘bad’ life choices they could make or choices that you’re disappointed with. But this is when it’s time to accept that it’s no longer your job to monitor their well being. Your only job now is to be supportive and want to see them happy. It no longer matters what you want, it matters what makes them happy. Whether your child has moved out or still living at home, you must respect what makes them happy and put that as the first priority. By giving them space to make their own decisions and mistakes, you give them the peace of mind that their parents trust and respect them, and you’ll give yourself the gift of having adult children who actually enjoy your company.

There’s really no right way or wrong way to be a parent, but these five rules of thumb are an approach proven to yield mutual respect and discourage unhealthy codependent patterns. Adhere to this advice for every stage in your child’s life, and soon you’ll find that you’ve raised an upstanding, compassionate, and respectful human being.