What Makes a Relationship Happy?
To understand what makes a relationship happy, it is important to note that happy looks different to everyone. What works for one relationship rarely translates to another, so know that it’s all a matter of taking what you need and leaving the rest.
Self-Awareness and Self-Acceptance – I believe that the first step and possibly the most important step to being in a happy relationship is being happy with yourself as an individual. It took me years of therapy and being single for the first time in my adult life to understand this idea but I finally get it. When I was married, in my personal therapy sessions I’d rant about an action of my husband and how I felt wronged by him. My therapist allowed me the space to say my piece but would then divert my rants away from my him and toward myself. She’d ask why I felt so wronged by his behavior when I thought I was being clear about why he was the issue. Instead of her letting that be the direction of my session, she instead posed questions as to why I allowed myself to be so affected by his actions. I hated that. When lacking self-awareness, it is difficult for an individual to see their faults in a relationship, causing them to point fingers in every direction but self. That is not conducive to a happy relationship.
What I learned is that I have to be so secure in myself that the actions of other people should have no effect on me. The idea is that if I have accepted myself and where I am in my humanness, I can give grace to where other people are as well. Self-acceptance in a relationship gives people room to meet the other individual where they are, based on ones’ own understanding and discernment of self.
Communication – and that is more than just talking. It’s having an exchange of ideas and emotional energy that two people are using to understand one another. If one person is doing all the communicating and the other person is just listening –communication does not exist. Effective interaction happens when two people are intentional about the forward movement of their relationship –this can be both romantic and platonic. Too often relationships are one-sided and it leaves one person feeling full while the other person is not. Sometimes what the person is “full” of is anger. When I was 19, a friend in college said, “Carmalita, you have to tell me when you’re upset with me. Because when you don’t, you’re still going to treat me like you’ve told me why you’re upset and I’m not going to have any idea why you’re being an asshole to me.”
More times than not, I am an over-communicator. I think I should talk everything out with the person I’m having
Fun.I think the worst injustice to any relationship is forgetting to have fun. A good practice is to make a list of the most fun things you’ve ever done with the person you’re in a relationship with. Did you have gut-busting-laugh-until-your-cheeks-hurt-and-you-pee-a-little moments? Did you cook an amazing meal together? Did you drive for miles and miles with no destination in mind and find a private beach to climb rocks on? Make a list of all of it. When you do that, you are keeping tabs where it matters. When you keep fun in the forefront of your relationship, the hard parts of dealing with another individual won’t seem so unmanageable. The fun stuff is where we fall in love and bond our lasting relationships. Fun is the heart of the happy.
I think that happy in a relationship is keeping conflict to a minimum and thoroughly enjoying the space of another person. That is done through good self-awareness practices, effective communication, and always remembering to have a good time.