Getting Your Anger under Control
I was a very angry child. In the 2nd grade, I felt like I spent more time in the principal’s office than I did in my classroom. I was a fighter. I talked back. I had no regard for authority. A kid shoved me on the playground once so I decked him in the face and bloodied his nose. I was in anger management shortly after the incident. In addition to being an angry child, I also had a ferocious little attitude and a mouth to match. When my social worker would ask me how I incorporated my anger management into interactions with my classmates I told her, “I do my breathing. I breathe and I count to 10. But the whole time I’m counting to 10 I’m thinking about how much more I want to punch this kid.” I wasn’t just born an angry child. Trauma and being separated from my mother without having healthy outlets caused my anger. I had every right to be but thankfully I didn’t carry that anger beyond my grade school education.
I stopped fighting in elementary school because I learned that people didn’t want to be friends with the little girl that bloodied boys’ noses. While I stopped exerting my anger physically, I doubled my verbal assaults to whomever I thought deserving. Teachers, social workers, my adopted family. Somewhere down the line though, with the help of mentors, coaches, good friends, my brothers, and a great therapist – I stopped being so damn angry. As an adult, I have a pretty good handle on my anger. Over the years, I’ve found ways that have helped me get my anger under control.
It is important to remember that no matter what the action of another person is that causes you to be angry, it has nothing to do with you. A person choosing to behave negatively has everything to do with who they are. People are not doing things to spite you –they are responding to their own personal bullshit. And based on their personal experiences it is okay for them to act inappropriately or rude or mean or whatever it is that caused you to be angry. It is your job to have a handle on your emotions and your own personal experiences to make the best decision moving forward. Choosing whether or not to acknowledge a person who has angered you is something you are in complete control of. Remember that the conflict in the current moment is very temporary. We’ve all been angry, and a way to get your anger under control is by learning to give other people grace. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and consider the grace you’d like to have if it were you.
Consider how anger can affect you outside of the current moment. In the grand scheme of things does this feeling matter? This anger? Is that very moment worth changing your life for? Sometimes it is not that serious but a response to anger can be life-changing. Remind yourself of your goals and know that reacting emotionally through anger with verbal lashings or physical assaults not going to let help you reach your particular goals.
Breathe. Real breaths make a difference, especially when you are angry. The physical response your body has to anger is not a comfortable one, (at least not for me it isn’t). Breathing helps to slow me down. It forces me to relax the tension building up my chest.
Know that getting your anger under control takes practice but it is a necessary practice. Instead of responding in anger, try to repurpose that anger into energy you can use.